Just a little bit from our 2020 Vision Party Q1 meeting. Worksheet available for download. Contact me for a Free 20 minute consultation
When you change how you look at things what you are looking at changes. Positive energy vibrates at a higher frequency than negative energy so it brings you up as negative energy brings you down. By taking agency to reframe how you see life you learn to experience it in a more positive way.
Preparing for this decade I hosted a couple life coaching events to help people set up their vision for 2020. It was such a great practice and I loved watching all of the participants dig deep to search themselves to define what they wanted their life to look like. One of my greatest joys is to create space for people to practice self reflection, self care and personal development.
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One of my favorite authors of all time is Dr. Brené Brown. I love to hear her speak even more so I usually listen to her audiobooks with her as the narrator. I listen to a lot of books. It’s my preferred way of learning. I especially appreciate the fact that she’s also an introvert. It always takes people by surprise when I say that I am an introvert because I am not shy. But the two traits are not mutually exclusive. I am very selective about who I interact with because people drain me. I am also an empath so I can feel the emotions of the people around me. Oftentimes the people that I am most intimately connected can be even more draining. But back to Dr. Brené.
Dr. Brené has done many years of research on shame. She has written many books on how courage, fear, and vulnerability play huge roles in us establishing deep connections with people and with living life wholeheartedly. I have not found a lie in any one word she has spoken or written. I urge you to read all of her work. And because I love and respect her so much, I will also not attempt to summarize her life’s work. I will only attempt to explain one concept that I believe she explains throughout her work. But please understand that these are my words.
Get Real with Yourself!
We live in a society where we are expected to put on a mask. Our current social construct has our ego in the driver’s seat. We want to look good, feel good, be right and be in control. But when we are real with ourselves sometimes we do not look good, we do not feel good, we are not right and we are not in control. Unfortunately, to put it plainly we are running around scared that someone might figure out that we do not have it all together. News Flash!!! No one has it all together. I have seen and even ascribed to the message of the suffering servant.
The one that is strong that takes care of everyone but no one cares for in return. I found two things to be flawed when I hear people (even myself) get on this tangent. First, I ask if the suffering servant let the people around them know they needed help. The majority of the time the answer is no. I would say a good 85% of the time the answer is no. My follow up question is usually why? Which takes some time to unpack because our ego works very hard to blame everyone instead of just claiming whatever fear is really looming. Now, I understand that sometimes we need help and the people close to us are unable to help but we have an opportunity to be seen and heard.
Once we have dug deep enough to get to the fear and separation, I circle back around to the second problem with this logic. “When did you figure out you were overtaxed?” This is where the work is done. We need to get real with ourselves on how much we can take. PERIOD. I am responsible for not saying not; no one else. Brené also writes, “Clarity is Kind.” Letting people know where you are is a form of being kind. It takes courage and vulnerability. They may judge you and that it is going to happen from time to time whether you know of it or not. The most important thing is, you have done the hard work to get real with yourself. Once you are real and clear with yourself you can start to set boundaries with yourself and others. Understand what you are willing to tolerate and what is not ok with you.
There is a pivotal point in each of our lives around the age of two or three when we start to ask the question, “Why?” I was about nine years old when my little brother Kris went through another why stage. It almost drove me to lose my mind. He had more questions than any of us had answers. Even today he still has more questions than I have answers for, but at least now Google exists. I can’t be too mad at my brother though. According to our father, I have been asking people why as long as he can remember. He said I made him understand that it was the most powerful word in the English language. I still drive my friends, family, and clients crazy with why questions; but they tolerate me because my why questions are effective.
As children we ask why as we try to understand the world around us. As we get older sometimes we forget to continue asking. This is where my why questions come in. I seek to dig down into the root of the Thoughts, Beliefs, and Decisions that my clients make. Conventionally speaking TBD means To Be Determined. Thoughts, Beliefs, and Decisions will determine how your life with progress. Thoughts become things has become a wide understood concept thanks to the many contributes and thought leaders who took part in Rhonda Byme’s book, “The Secret” from a mental-spiritual perspective. And has been confirmed by doctors like Dr. Bruce Lipton from a biological perspective in, “The Biology of Belief.” I believe that we know more now about how to create the life we want to live.
Knowing is not enough. It takes work. It takes self reflection and sometimes we need help navigating the parts of our personality that make us uncomfortable. Digging in on TBDs in very challenging and many will cut themselves short by saying I don’t know. But if we don’t know ourselves we limit ourselves and our potential.
As we dig into our Whys and TBDs we find that many of them were caught rather than taught. Here’s a helpful exercise. Look at your everyday life. We brush our teeth the way we do because our parents taught us as a kid. Our wake up routine is the same since high school or the military. We raise our children the way we were raised. We keep on keeping on the way we have because we feel like it’s worked this long but do we know the why behind it? While you are looking at your Whys and TBDs do so without judgment. No weighing in if it is good or bad, justified or unjustified. Rather, the best measurement is only if it still serves your greatest good.