Just a little bit from our 2020 Vision Party Q1 meeting. Worksheet available for download. Contact me for a Free 20 minute consultation
There is a pivotal point in each of our lives around the age of two or three when we start to ask the question, “Why?” I was about nine years old when my little brother Kris went through another why stage. It almost drove me to lose my mind. He had more questions than any of us had answers. Even today he still has more questions than I have answers for, but at least now Google exists. I can’t be too mad at my brother though. According to our father, I have been asking people why as long as he can remember. He said I made him understand that it was the most powerful word in the English language. I still drive my friends, family, and clients crazy with why questions; but they tolerate me because my why questions are effective.
As children we ask why as we try to understand the world around us. As we get older sometimes we forget to continue asking. This is where my why questions come in. I seek to dig down into the root of the Thoughts, Beliefs, and Decisions that my clients make. Conventionally speaking TBD means To Be Determined. Thoughts, Beliefs, and Decisions will determine how your life with progress. Thoughts become things has become a wide understood concept thanks to the many contributes and thought leaders who took part in Rhonda Byme’s book, “The Secret” from a mental-spiritual perspective. And has been confirmed by doctors like Dr. Bruce Lipton from a biological perspective in, “The Biology of Belief.” I believe that we know more now about how to create the life we want to live.
Knowing is not enough. It takes work. It takes self reflection and sometimes we need help navigating the parts of our personality that make us uncomfortable. Digging in on TBDs in very challenging and many will cut themselves short by saying I don’t know. But if we don’t know ourselves we limit ourselves and our potential.
As we dig into our Whys and TBDs we find that many of them were caught rather than taught. Here’s a helpful exercise. Look at your everyday life. We brush our teeth the way we do because our parents taught us as a kid. Our wake up routine is the same since high school or the military. We raise our children the way we were raised. We keep on keeping on the way we have because we feel like it’s worked this long but do we know the why behind it? While you are looking at your Whys and TBDs do so without judgment. No weighing in if it is good or bad, justified or unjustified. Rather, the best measurement is only if it still serves your greatest good.
How you gonna win when you ain’t right within?
– Lauryn Hill
By the time most I meet me a lot of people, they are asking me to fix something. Like my infamous friend and client Gayl who literally asked to “fix it” when she wanted to lose weight after her son was born. Little did she know how much I was going to dig into when she became my client. Like most people, she hadn’t learned to make her internal life and well-being a big enough priority. One day in a conversation with my father, he was sharing about his friend who is very successful. He has a great job, makes great money, and is great with his kids. This same friend is also unhealthy, has unresolved trauma, and is stuck in a rut mentally. I countered by saying without inner peace there is no such thing as success. They haven’t learn to live in peace and make healing the priority. Money can’t buy self-worth, self-esteem and joy. But it can mask it with a bunch of material things. It is much easier to mask what is going on in the inside when you are distracted and validated by what is going on outside.
Anyone who has been on a trip with someone they didn’t like. Whether it’s a sibling on a long road trip or an annoying person sitting beside you on a long plane ride. It is a pretty simple concept to understand that if you are going to spend time with someone you might want to enjoy that person otherwise it’s gonna be rough. Well, the same is true with you and how you deal with yourself. You are going to spend more time with yourself than anyone else in this lifetime. The sooner you get right with you, the easier it is to deal with life.
You might be asking yourself what does it look like when you are “right within.” If you are unfamiliar you should listen to Doo Wop by Lauryn Hill. For the sake of time I will drop these couple bars for you from her song:
Girlfriend, let me break it down for you again
You know I only say it cause I’m truly genuine
Don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem
Baby girl, respect is just a minimum”
Do you treat yourself like a hard rock or a gem? Do you expect everything to be difficult? Do you act like you can handle a beating? Maybe you can, I’m not saying you can’t. Is that want you deserve? Now, let me delineate, I’m not opposing being strong nor am I demeaning a hard workout neither am I debating whether one should box. I am talking about how you treat yourself within. What are your internal conversations like? How do you care for yourself?
How do we treat gems? With the respect and reverence. We take our time when looking at them; we inspect them. If you are anything like me you might have crystals that you clear, charge, and research. In the same way, our insides are worthy of being cleared, charged, and reflected upon to know what is going on within.
The unexamined life is not worth living?
I believe you should examine and get real with who you are this very minute. Take a quick self-check. This can take 5 minutes or 50 minutes, how ever long you can stand. Sit in quiet, without distractions, and check in with yourself. Start by paying attention to your heartbeat. Next, listen to the rhythm of your breathing. Next, move into to examining what’s on your mind. What are you thinking about? Is it worth your time? Engage your imagination: Try to visualize each thought rise up to the sky and float away with the clouds. After you have thought all of the thoughts and have sat with yourself as long as you can stand, give yourself a big hug. Tell yourself this short affirmation:
I am loved
I am seen
I am safe
In every aspect of my career I am required to focus first on what is going on inside of someone else. I am always trying to find out the root of the issue. In fitness I am looking first at how your body works. I’m looking for any structural compensations your body has made as well as your stability and balance. As a life coach, I dig into what someone wants most and what is holding them back. As a Reiki Practitioner, I see where someone’s energy is low or out of balance. This practice of sitting with yourself is the beginning to any kind of change and growth. Take it easier on yourself. You are a precious gem worthy of care.
If you think you dare not, you don’t;
If you’d like to win but think you can’t;
It’s almost certain, you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost;
Since out in our world we find success begins with a person’s will,
It’s all in your state of mind,
Life’s battles don’t always go to the stronger or faster hand;
But sooner or later the person who wins is the one who thinks “I CAN”
Celebrate each day like it is a new day of independence and liberation!
Liberate yourself from self-defeating thinking:
- Have more patience and acceptance of yourself and others. You will find, you become more approachable and you will have less stress to carry.
- You have two ears, two eyes and one mouth. Try listening and watching twice as much as you speak.
- Practice the pause. Before you over react take time to think able how you can be more proactive in sharing peace and joy.
- Sometimes being right is not the goal. Sometimes being heard is not the goal. Sometimes you have to learn to just BE.
- Be full of JOY! Being unhappy, joyless and angry are all choices. Choose to be loving and joyful and you will attack that from others.
- You are allowed to have expectations but your expectations are not requirements for others, they are choices and options for others. If someone does not choose to accept and meet your expectation, they are not automatically a bad person. They are a person with freedom and liberty just like you.
The simple truth is stress can turn you into someone you barely recognize.
Take a moment
Love your spirit, Love the heart and mind that God blessed you with.
At times you can feel an overwhelming since of responsibility that makes you feel like the weight of the world is dragging down your energy. Take a moment to see if you are struggling to continue to meet the crazy expectations that you set for yourself. I used to feel like if I was not the best or learning to be the best then it just seemed like a waste of time. But that wasn’t true. I had to learn to speak life into myself.
You do to. Live in victory! Say it with me “I’m living the victory”
You’re not alone. God is with you and he will always send you encouragement even if it does come from with in. Speak to yourself.
Once I realized what I did I had to dig deep inside to get the key out. Once out I’ve spent time to knock the prison down brick by brick.
So when you see my rough, scared and tethered exterior? Understand it is the evidence of experience as a builder.